On Saturday morning, I went to a “Holiday Grief Support Workshop.” It was put together and ran by the hospice team that took care of my mom. I could go on and on about how their employees and volunteers are amazing angels, but that’s not why I’m writing this today. I learned a few things. Well, maybe “learned” isn’t the right word. Maybe it’s more that I discovered or realized a few things.
I decided I was going to go to that workshop as soon as I received the flyer in the mail. I wasn’t really sure why but I was feeling moved to go. I’m doing alright so far when it comes to our first holidays without my mom. She did LOVE the holidays! Maybe I felt like going to this would be some sort of preventative care to prep me on what to expect.
The content was fine. There was some good information shared in a few videos we watched and some good tips on how to remember your loved ones during the holidays. But, my takeaways were much deeper than that. I definitely didn’t expect to speak as much as I did – and I didn’t expect to get so emotional – and I didn’t expect to connect with the people there the way I did.
Here’s what I realized during that hour and a half –
1 – We need each other. People need other people. Even people we don’t know. The second the introductions began and the other attendees explained who they lost and shared their grief, we were instantly connected. I felt for them. I understood their pain and loss. My heart ached but my heart was also warmed by their stories and their memories. Every situation was so different, yet we were all the same. It was amazing how this group of strangers were able to open up and speak their truths in a room of other people who knew what they were going through. I know nothing about any of those people except that they all had a tremendous loss. And that connects us. More often than not, people are so damned focused on what separates us from one another. Why does that matter so much? Why can’t we see that we are the same? I know there are people out there who think and say they don’t need anyone. And that’s fine. But – what if – someone needs you? What if there’s a stranger out there that could have just a small amount of peace because they’ve encountered you? Wouldn’t you want to share a little of your light when they’re lost in the dark?
2 – Guilt and gratitude cannot live in the same space. Guilt is a heavy burden to carry. And it’s such a common thread among people who’ve lost someone they love, particularly when they were responsible for the care of that loved one. The guilt will eat you alive. It will keep you up at night. It will manifest physically in ways you didn’t realize were possible. But, I truly believe there is a way to beat that guilt. And that’s with gratitude. When you’re deep in feelings of grief and guilt, find a happy memory, go farther back and think of something that brings you joy – and feel grateful for it. I almost always go to a specific memory of a time we went out for sushi and my mom accidentally ate the glob of wasabi on her plate because she thought it was avocado. I kid you not! Hilarity ensued! And I’m so grateful to have memories like that. Try it the next time you’re feeling guilt or anxiety or stress. Switch to feeling gratitude. It will make all the difference, I promise.
3 – All that’s left is love and peace. Think about it. We picture our loved ones in a better place with others who had gone before them. Picture the joyful reunions. Can you see it? Now…do you think they harbor any resentment or anger or disappointment? Obviously, I don’t know for sure what happens but I’m willing to bet that they don’t. It’s love. It’s joy. It’s peace. That’s all. And I’m sure they’d want us to know that…so that’s what we need to believe. The only things left are love and peace.
Grief is a tricky bitch. It’ll sneak up on you when you least expect it. It sucks, I know. But we’ve got each other. I’m here if you need me.